Fucks as a Service by the Institute for Unnecessary Technology

Introduction

We at the Institute for Unnecessary Technology are pleased to announce our newest product, Fucks as a Service, but before we delve into that we’d like to speak a bit about our company and our vision.

As chief scientist of the Institute, I, Christopher De Vries, am charged with making products which do not enrich your life, but instead accompany you in your march toward your inevitable death. Items such as our dad joke server, our defunct blog, and our line of unscented perfumes are not such much runaway hits as they are things you will have trouble finding through Google. Think of us as a less successful Sharper Image for the new millennium. Well all that is about to stay remarkably the same, with the introduction of Fucks as a Service.

2017 has been a tough year, and we’ve had to give a lot of fucks. These fucks can best be described in the medium of memes.

We’ve had the inauguration of Donald Trump.
The attempt to eliminate the Affordable Care Act.
The revelation that most men you admire probably tried to assault a woman or a child at some point.
And the new tax plan, which leaves middle-class taxes essentially unchanged.

This has left most of us dangerously depleted when it comes to fucks.

I've got no fucks to give

This seems like a problem which can be solved through the use of unnecessary cloud technology, which is why we have introduced Fucks as a Service. Fucks as a service provides fucks from an almost inexhaustible supply of fucks in the cloud. You just ask for the number of fucks you need, and they are provided through our user-friendly API.

Casual Fucking Around

For the casual non-developer, we have now used the amazing power of Extensible Stylesheet Language Transformations to give fucks to a larger audience. Get one fuck, get two fucks, get 10 fucks, get red fucks, or get 100 fucks all from the comfort of your browser. No need to parse JSON or XML, just count the fucks as they come in and then you can easily and quickly get back to giving fucks again.

Jumping In

The API fully documented using the recent OpenAPI 3.0 Specification, so you know there is very little tooling available to produce client software. The openapi.yaml on github documents the API, although we do our primary development in the bitbucket repository. The easiest way to explor the API, and get a few demo fucks, is using the api explorer.

To get some fucks, just perform a GET request to https://faas.unnecessary.tech/v1/give/{num}/fucks where {num} should be replaced with the number of fucks you want. For example to get 2 fucks, you would make a GET request to https://faas.unnecessary.tech/v1/give/2/fucks. The command below makes such a request using the HTTPie lbrary to make the request, python to format the response, and Pygments to colorize the results.

http https://faas.unnecessary.tech/v1/give/2/fucks Accept:application/json | python -m json.tool | pygmentize -l json

The above command will return the JSON result below.

{
    "fucks": [
        "fuck",
        "fuck"
    ],
    "status": "ok"
}

As you can see, the server has gathered and returned the two fucks you requested from the cloud, and you now can give those fucks as need be.

What about errors? Well, the fucks as a service server is full of helpful error messages, for example if you try to query the wrong URL, as shown below, you get a helpful error message.

$ http https://faas.unnecessary.tech/v1/give/2/farts Accept:application/json | python -m json.tool | pygmentize -l json

{
    "message": "What the fucking fuck are you looking for?",
    "status": "error"
}

If you ask for foo fucks as shown below, you also get a helpful error message.

$ http https://faas.unnecessary.tech/v1/give/foo/fucks Accept:application/json | python -m json.tool | pygmentize -l json

{
    "message": "What the fuck kind of number is foo?",
    "status": "error"
}

Now, I know what you’re thinking. JSON is fine, but for my enterprise level fucks, I need to take advantage of XML. Well of course, just indicate that you accept application/xml in the HTTP Accept header, and we’ll give you rock-solid enterprise-grade XML fucks.

$ http https://faas.unnecessary.tech/v1/give/2/fucks Accept:application/xml | xmllint --format - | pygmentize -l xml

<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?>
<ListOfFucks xmlns="http://faas.unnecessary.tech/schema">
  <status>ok</status>
  <fucks>
    <item>fuck</item>
    <item>fuck</item>
  </fucks>
  <observation>Why the fuck are you still using XML?</observation>
</ListOfFucks>

It also helpfully makes the observation, “Why the fuck are you still using XML?”

Conclusion

At the Institute for Unnecessary Technology we are happy we can fill this critically unnecessary need for a cloud-based fucks service. Please note that until we complete our first round of venture funding, there may be occasional shortage of fucks as we gather more from the clouds. As a result there may be occasional quotas.